Sitting on the hospital bed with Jimi after Dr. Y had said “You have cancer, it’s spread from the tumor to your lungs” it felt a lot like the world was spinning out of control. Even now writing those words my throat feels like it’s closing and my eyes have welled up. At the time I remember thinking it felt like someone had punched me in the stomach or the throat, maybe both.
I’ve had a few punches to the gut this year, but this has certainly put things in perspective. My grasp on what the big picture is has come into focus. This hurt the most. The thing I can’t change. The inevitable question is why is that happening? Why Now? Why to us? We’re only 27.
The thing is, the “why” doesn’t matter. It just is. We can’t change that. I’ve had time to come to terms with what it means for us. We have no choice, but to deal with it. Don’t get me wrong, I do have the occasional urge to curl up in the fetal position and sob my guts out over the why, but where will that get us?
I use “we” a lot, because Jimi is the person I am planning on spending the rest of my life with. We are making plans for the future, but right now it feels like life is in a holding pattern. I’m just as confounded as the next person over why this is all happening, what is the greater message here? You try and make good choices, you do the right thing, and bad still happens.
“The sun shines and warms and lights us and we have no curiosity to know why this is so; but we ask the reason of all evil, of pain, and hunger, and mosquitoes and silly people” ~Ralph Waldo Emerson
Our answer to the why question is that we can handle this. We are fighters. Jimi is otherwise healthy, strong, and up for the challenge. Lord knows I’m competitive.
“Cancer can only try to hurt my body, it can’t hurt my spirit” ~James Quigley
We can all stop questioning why things happen. We will never know. We can only get up everyday and decide to fight. Fight for happiness, fight for life, and choose the positives. We’re going to give this thing everything we’ve got. All of your support means the world to us, it is the fuel that keeps us going.