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Why?

Sitting on the hospital bed with Jimi after Dr. Y had said “You have cancer, it’s spread from the tumor to your lungs” it felt a lot like the world was spinning out of control. Even now writing those words my throat feels like it’s closing and my eyes have welled up. At the time I remember thinking it felt like someone had punched me in the stomach or the throat, maybe both.

I’ve had a few punches to the gut this year, but this has certainly put things in perspective. My grasp on what the big picture is has come into focus. This hurt the most. The thing I can’t change. The inevitable question is why is that happening? Why Now? Why to us? We’re only 27.

The thing is, the “why” doesn’t matter. It just is. We can’t change that. I’ve had time to come to terms with what it means for us. We have no choice, but to deal with it. Don’t get me wrong, I do have the occasional urge to curl up in the fetal position and sob my guts out over the why, but where will that get us?

I use “we” a lot, because Jimi is the person I am planning on spending the rest of my life with. We are making plans for the future, but right now it feels like life is in a holding pattern. I’m just as confounded as the next person over why this is all happening, what is the greater message here? You try and make good choices, you do the right thing, and bad still happens.

“The sun shines and warms and lights us and we have no curiosity to know why this is so; but we ask the reason of all evil, of pain, and hunger, and mosquitoes and silly people” ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

Our answer to the why question is that we can handle this. We are fighters. Jimi is otherwise healthy, strong, and up for the challenge. Lord knows I’m competitive.

“Cancer can only try to hurt my body, it can’t hurt my spirit”   ~James Quigley

We can all stop questioning why things happen. We will never know. We can only get up everyday and decide to fight. Fight for happiness, fight for life, and choose the positives. We’re going to give this thing everything we’ve got. All of your support means the world to us, it is the fuel that keeps us going.

♥ Kate

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2 responses »

  1. Well said, Beefy! (maybe I shouldn’t write my nickname for you on your formal blog!) You are a fighter and you certainly are competitive! Remember that 7 minute mile in high school because you refused to let the boys pass you? That was just training for this! I know you won’t let this pass you and take you over, keep running!

    xoxoxo

    Reply
  2. Kate,
    You do not know me,but I am a friend of mary and Ralph and I read your message and I think you are going through a terribly tough time, especially with the fact that you have future plans with Jimi-,but as long as you have each other you can withstand the battle.
    My husband had cancer and is doing well-but we had 13 years of chemo treatments and finally surgery did the trick. Believe me we prayed a lot and there is power in prayer.
    We pray for you both and will continue to do so.
    Love Joanie Menslage

    Reply

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